shell shock
by gormogon
Summary: first spn fanfic but I just love it soo much I had to do this get it out of my system like demon blood...so its set after season 8 and be warned I'm a proud Destiel shipper so don't be shocked if there are Dean/Cas moments..:-) enjoy and tell me what you think
1. Chapter 1

**Fell in love with this show,proud shipper of the good ship Destiel and well Cas is my favourite character so enjoy and let me know if you like it!****J**

**Chapter 1:**

Silence, that is all they are met with and it has been weeks since.

Dean had hoped Cas would soon snap out of it, break away from whatever cage he was locked in inside his head and come back to them, at least what was left of him.

They had guessed he was human now or at least that he had lost his wings since Dean had found him in the middle of a forest not far from the dilapidated church where they watched the angel fireworks show.

Alive is better than the alternative Dean thought to himself when he found Cas all curled up with almost feral eyes at the sky watching the last vestiges of his family fall from the sky.

That night Dean had enough to worry about with Sam babbling incoherently half didn't know if he had succeeded in saving Sam completely by stopping the last trial or if he had lost a part of him like the time he was hallucinating Lucifer.

One thing he knew for certain and with a physical knot in his stomach of pure acidic anger,he knew Metatron had something to do with this,who else aside from Naomi would have the power to cast every single angel out of Heaven?and since she was dead as Cas confirmed,it wasn't her.

That first night,as Dean went to sit with Cas and voice his doubts about Sam's condition and grieve if Cas needed found Cas in the same seat Dean brought him to when they arrived.

Dean sat by the big table in the middle of the bunker where Dean noticed Sam's laptop and a pile of Books sat on one corner waiting for him to return… all those mythologies, demons and monsters waiting to be researched…will he recover from this? Dean moves the laptop and books to a shelf nearby with a heavy weight of guilt and doubt in his chest and reseats himself at the table.

He beckons Cas to sit with him but suddenly takes note of the fact that Cas is sitting abnormally still and hasn't uttered a word in the last 3 he looks closer from where he sits he realises Cas isn't breathing…

Dean moves quicker than a hellhound over to Cas's side and kneels in front of him.

He instinctively puts his hand on Cas's chest as if trying to physically inflate and deflate his lungs.

'Come on Cas breath for me,just breathe ok,I'm not asking you to spill about anything that happened tonight or what you went through alright man I know its too much too fast but right now I need you to breathe'

Dean is knocked back by the emptiness he sees in Cas's eyes,the once blueberry coloured eyes are black and if Dean wasn't sure this was Cas he would suspect Cas was possessed by a demon.

Six weeks on and he still sits in that chair like a statue,unblinking unfeeling unknowing,emotionless.

Dean recognised shock when he saw it it was the same stare his father held when his mother died.


	2. Chapter 2

Internally his mind is in chaos not unlike the chambers of Hell and when he tries to break free,find a loosening in the brick wall there is guilt and sorrow and utter dejection like the creatures of purgatory clawing and pushing him back.

After a while,though time wasn't a real element in his mind,it became almost a safe zone for him knowing what awaited outside he didn't want to leave the safety of his mind and return to a fallen world.

He was blind and deaf to the outside since his thoughts were roiling waves of high pitched screams and bright lights that seem to fall from the sky and when they become clearer he sees they are really…angels wings, yes he finds he is preoccupied already without wondering about the outside.

Scenes pass freely and smoothly before him as if in a movie reel where he plays several characters.

As a feather he tries to float upwards but the weight of blood soaking through his pure whiteness is dragging him blood of his brothers and no longer holds the face of an arrogant self righteous man but instead the face of Metatron now comes to mind where he lurks in the darkness of Cas's mind.

He glides into a room with sunlight filtering through a window in the roof onto the figure of a figure so powerful and majestic and the greatest being that ever ,the broken, shrunken vessel before him which carries his…father is not as Castiel remembers him,an energy that emanated throughout Heaven but rather a man reduced to a beggar.

The scene before him very familiar to the crucifiction of the firstborn,his father being tortured and caged like an animal.A blur of movement and his captor and torturer appears his back to Cas.

Cas finds when he spits angrily at this treacherous man,he is speaking Enochian and as the man turns around he sees not anger or malice but shock hits Cas like a wrecking ball when he comes face to face with the man before him,Cas stares at himself holding the knife with his fathers blood marring hears his voice when the man speaks and pleads 'what have you done?'

Ah Naomi comes to him as a jester spouting riddles all the while hiding a mischievous when in the next scene she is sitting face down at her desk while her blood paints a beautifully grotesque montage behind her on the white walls are too bright,too white and Cas struggles to shield his eyes from them movie is becoming too painful to watch and not at all like the odd ones he would watch with….Dean and…Sam.

His friends yes they were his friends that would laugh and sit and joke watching these cartoons they were Bunny was Deans favourite he remembers from those times of extremely happy yet rare stops the film roll on this memory and pulls himself towards it very much like those cartoons with the large long rope except this time its Dean caught in the rope pulling Cas forward.

It was on a relatively calm night three months in that Dean awoke to the sound of screaming from someone he could recognise unconsciously and as the face that had been haunting his dreams for months now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to those that have favoured my story it is extremely touching and makes me very happy ****J**

Though the screaming was blood curdling,it wasn't ground breaking or glass shattering ,confirming Dean's assumption that Cas was no longer an angel.

Cas's face is flushed from the sudden rush of blood to the surface almost as if it had ceased pumping for the last couple of visably vibrates in the chair.

The first sight a child sees upon opening its eyes to the world is usually the mother or figure that embodies and effervesces love,adoration and overall protection to their child.

The first face Cas sees is Dean,though its blurry at first but he finds blinking helps clear his more he blinks the clearer the face becomes but he also feels a warm moisture run down his cheeks at the same places a soothing hand on Cas's shoulder and patiently waits for Cas to acclimatise.

He is positively shocked when Cas's first words reach him also

'I find Bugs Bunny to be extremely funny'

Fresh new fears hit Dean as he wonders whether Cas is in a sane state of mind or if he was God forbid broken like the time he transferred Sam's insanity to couldn't handle that,he didn't have the willpower and all he could whisper as he carried Cas to his bedroom for some well deserved rest was

'Im so sorry'

Partly because he felt responsible for it,if he had not been so angry and distant to Cas in the last couple of months,he could have helped Cas with the most of all Dean was sorry because he should have seen it he should have been more wary of Metatron and his self serving end game.

Three days later Cas awoke,he still had the pronounced bags under his eyes but now it signalled well rested slumber instead of no walked into the study room to find Dean at the large table with a rather large volume in his hands.

Cas frowned,it was uncharacteristic of his friend curiosity brought him to look behind the volume where a of Busty Asian beauties magazine pulled at Cas's gut and he winces physically as he remembers the last time he had come across this particular type of shopping for Dean when he was interrupted by Metatron.

Dean woke to Cas standing by the edge of the table and hit with a blast of of considering it an unwelcome invasion of private space however he felt a chill of familiar pleasure down his spine at the thought as it registered that Cas was here approached Cas as if he were an injured animal,and without words pulled him into a hug.

'Dean' Cas managed to shudder before embracing the 's heart sank with that one Cas wasn't broken after all.

As Dean pulled out of the hug,he suddenly felt like an awkward teenager unable to speak.

Cas started smiling and tilting his head

'what's with the cheshire grin Cas?'

'I was just thinking I have never seen you looking so lost for words'

'aw man,I was so worried about you'

He didn't want to mention why? Or attack that particular issue yet being the big massive angelic elephant in the room because he wanted to let Cas recuperate in time and approach the subject when he was ready.

Clapping both hands together in relief,Dean motioned Cas towards the kitchen asking

'so Cas some breakfast huh get those energy levels up? How about some good old fashioned Teaxan pancakes?'

Cas figured out what Dean was doing and felt grateful for it.

'One thing Dean,am I would rather you not use the familiar title of Cas anymore'

'Cas man-

'please Dean its just that….well its just that it somehow doesn't seem fitting ,I do not posses the power the name belongs to anymore'

As he said it,it broke Dean's sense of intimate bond with the angel or as he now came to realise,the fallen only means of escape was ducking into the kitchen to start on breakfast,Cas missed the warm liquid flood his eyes and dilute the cerulean blue so they became grey.


	4. Chapter 4

Their separation extended on a daily basis over the next few weeks until they fell into a routine of being perfect strnagers to each left Sam to be the companion to Cas though they didnt call him that in his presence.

Dean liked to think Cas was having an identity crisis and he just needed the time to heal after the fall.

Sam knew the truth because he experienced the same not too many years was trying to deal with his new life and with that created a new personality for himself as a human,it was difficult for Cas to adjust than it was when the Leviathan riddeled his body or even when Naomi controlled his mind.

Dean thought Cas was delaying the inevitable by suppressing anything about his previous life but Sam knew it was Cas drawing a line through his old life instead of trying to comapre it to his new one.

Sam had a sneaky suspicion of his own that Cas was avoiding Dean to keep him from burdening him with his problems,because Cas kept referring to how 'Dean had too much burden on his shoulders as is'

A night hadnt passed whereby Cas didnt mention Deam in his conversations to Sam,sitting in his sick bed still not fully healed from the aborted nights Cas fell asleep with a smile on his face as Sam read to him from ancient favourite became the story of the two strong protagonists of Agamemnon and Acilles reminded him of the stubborness of Dean and Sam and the depiction of the Gods such as Zeus fascinated him.

Little did he know that the blanket he felt wrapped comfortably around his shoulders was put there by Dean during the caught Dean one night in the middle of his excursion while Sam snored softly in his bed.

Cerulean blue eyes still greyed from experiencing tragedy,watched Dean with the blanket midway around Cas's shoulders.

Dean stood stock still trying to pretend he wasnt caught but Cas grabbed his wrist to confirm his the lack of touch or whether Dean was feeling overly sensitive these days the sensation Cas's hand had on his wrist pulsated throughout his arm to the very heart of was momentarily dazed as was Cas it seemed as he mumbled

'Dean its you...the blanket every morning?'

Dean answered nonchalantly as was his usual false bravado.

'Yeah man,I mean don't want you catching your first human flu because of me'

The hidden meaning behind this statement wasnt lost on felt a tingle in the back of his mind -where the medulla oblongata is he presumes from what he has read in the anatomy books from the library – in what was referred to as Deja-vu when he remebered a very similar conversation about purgatory,Dean had a skewed perception of events as they felt responsible then for letting Cas down and he felt responsible now too.

'Dean nothing that's happened to me is your fault,you know..It's mine all of it is my fault'

'no Ca- I mean listen man I can wait if you still dont want to talk about it but I wont have you blaming yourself for everything ok'

Cas didnt want to lie anymore especially when his best friend was now attempting to soothe him,and comfort him when he should have been crucified like the firstborn son.

'Dean I didnt want to mention this because you have been so kind and accommodating but I find it harder to restrain myself ever day from telling you that-

'listen man I would always do that for my family again and again I will help you when you nedd it an-

'Dean,the fall...the night the angels were cast out of Heaven by Metatron, I...I was the trial the entire time... that locked the gates of Heaven'


	5. Chapter 5

All of the reassuring words Dean could offer didn't manage to dislodge this insane idea Cas had that he was responsible for the actions of his father had been useful for something it was his wordly wise words such as 'the man holding the bat taking the swing was solely responsible for his own actions and that only a coward blamed the consequences on his team' .

Dean was exhausted both mentally and emotionally trying to soothe Cas because he had to be there for Cas now when he wasn't didn't want to admit to himself yet that he was a bit fearful as a flashback to the night Cas confided in Dean about his thoughts on self-punishment for what he had done to too wasn't his fault since it was the Leviathan that drove Cas to do the things he did.

Dean left Cas in a light slumber with tear strained cheeks marring his otherwise handsome selfishly stole the moment to touch Cas's hair and found it to be exactly the texture he had imagined,if there was a better word for silk.

He didn't want to leave him and it pulled at his gut as he picked up the gearbag which usually held weapons and armery ready for though this wasn't going to be easy it also wasn't going to be an all out Dean's pride would be the only sacrifice.

This had to be done though regardless of his feelings on the Dean's phone rang,he began his trip out hoping the sound of the Impala wouldn't wake anyone was already informed of Dean's plans but he still took the precaution of parking a half-mile from the Bunker.

Blue eyes dulled with pain and tears opened to hear a hushed conversation and footsteps retreating down the same blue eyes filled again with the thought of betrayal from one he held within his diminishing trust.

Her voice and body still grated on Dean's used to be a time he had an addiction very similar to this woman's but of course this wasn't her body anymore.

'hello Dean nice to meet you again did you bring the-

As if ashamed to ask the woman halted in her question but Dean reached for the blanket and food in the bag with the Angel tablet.

'Dean what in Heaven's name are you doing?'

Dean froze as he turned to face pleading yet scornful blue eyes.

For the second time since Cas had arrived home Dean was struck dumb for words as his tongue felt heavy in his mouth.

'Castiel,well havent you changed?'

The woman answered him sarcastically in an almost obnoxious self-righteous sneer Cas couldn't help but familiarise it couldn't be…it was impossible by even Heavens standards…he couldn't believe it so instead he became defensive

'that name does not belong to me and it certainly doesn't deserve to be uttered by a perfect stranger'

'my apologies I was under the impression as teachers favourite pet you still at least managed to retain your appropriate title'

Dean still stood stock still as the woman moved around him toward Cas

'you see I fared less well off for all the work I did for that place and this was his twisted joke,to make me an ex addict you see but I am all here'

As she tapped her forehead, Cas stood back in shock as if he had seen a ghost.

Taking in this womans clothes and hair,Cas assumed she was what Dean sometimes referred to as a 'hooker' except for the reasonably flat shoes.

'it cant be you I found you after he…he used the angel knife I remember it vividly…it cant be you…

'unlike you I haven't denounced my title,because I worked too God damn hard for it-

'how could I mistake anyone for such a blasphemous traitor like you'

'Naomi stop it'

From Dean's own lips her name fell and it shocked both he and shifted his forceful gaze to Dean and if he could smite with his eyes Dean reckoned he would be burned to cinder ash where he stood.

'I am mistaken,there are two traitors in my presence as of this moment'

And with that Cas turned and stomped off into the road in the opposite direction to the bunker.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean's heart jumped in his chest with fear as he returned back at the bunker some time wasn't a numbing fear like the one he experienced when he realised he was going to hell or a deep-seated fear when he was faced with the possibility of losing Sam to the Dark side.

But it was a physical fear none the less where he literally felt his heart constrict,stopping the blood flow to a point where he became lightheaded from the power of it.

As he walked through the Bunker to the only person that was his one constant- in a world where everyone seemed to abandon him- Sam,he was shocked to find company

'hey Dean,you're back'

The hidden meaning of Sam's question was implied-knowing Dean's plans to meet Naomi- but not voiced as he tried to diffuse the suddenly tense atmosphere with light conversation.

'thank you Sam for listening'

Cas said as he rose from his chair at Sam's admission stabbed Dean in the chest with a pain that was worse than being clawed by a he possibly experiencing…was it jealousy? This was a new unfounded emotion for Dean since he never had any reason to feel jealous he never cherished somebody so much before that their very happiness was all the other person strived to make sure they found?

He watched as Cas left the room at almost inhuman speed,shivering at the wave of coldness that washed over him as Cas moved past him.

Now Dean was caught between making small talk with Sam and catching up with glared at him and gave him only one choice

'go talk to him Dean'

He was already backing up towards the door as he replied

'yeah yeah thanks Sammy,I guess I'll make some dinner too be back soon'

Sam huffed as Dean closed the door behind course Dean wouldn't let on his real intentions to Sam being all Macho man that he was all the time.

Sam just wished that during the intense conversation the two were going to have that Dean would let Cas see the emotionally compromised part of himself that Sam only managed to sense once or twice in his life,a bit like sensing angel grace but not being able to look directly at it.

'Cas hey wait up-

'Dean I told you-

'yeah yeah look I get it man you need your time but you introduced yourself as Castiel man and I will always know you by that name and besides I thought since you were heading in the opposite direction to the bunker that uh..'

'what did you think Dean? That I would walk away from Sam and my ho….my home just because we are at an impasse?'

At this point Cas was invading Dean's personal space so much that Dean could see the light from behind reflect off Cas's soul-shattering blue eyesHe smiled momentarily as Cas called the Bunker his home.

'an impasse,is there any chance that may become passable in the future?

'only if ,as one of your human idioms goes,pigs will fly'

'If I let you in on the plan Cas maybe you will be able to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing'

'I have never seen an angel so suited to her human form,it is quite poetic'

'Hey listen I don't want to work with that manipulative bitch either but we have to Cas,she…she was inside Metatron's head ok I mean he gave her 7" plasma hd vision inside there man and she saw…everything'

Cas's stomach churns at the thought of cooperating with the angel who programmed his own mind to carry out her blasphemous made him even more uneasy to know that she was the one who now had all the possible future plans to the fate of Heaven and the remnants of his sisters and brothers.

At one time he had said 'I will go with you',at another he had said 'I always come when you call' now he phrased it as

'I will listen and only listen in what you have to say' but in all those admissions the real meaning was as clear as an angels grace, 'I will forever be your loyal,participating and protective guardian angel'

Dean now openly smiled and even thought they faced an uncertain future,he placed a hand on Cas's shoulder in a gesture of gentleness and said

'you still haven't changed on me Cas,and you will always be the baddest angel I know'

Because he had promised Dean not so long ago that he wouldn't change and Cas knew he could never say no to Dean…

**Finish now or keep going? Let me know…**


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